I’ve told him that I’ll never love him again and he’s ok with that but I don’t think I am what should I do?

My husband and I have been together for 14yrs. 5yrs ago when I was pregnant with our last child he asked me to get an abortion. I refused. His response was to leave me and our children for another woman. What made matters worse was that he left after I had been ordered to bedrest because the pregnancy was causing me medical problems with my heart.So after 9yrs of me taking care of everyone, here was his chance to finally take care of the family and instead of doing that he left. I kept my son and when he was born my husband and I got back together again. I allowed him back because my son and my daughters needed their father.The problem here is that even after all this time. I still can’t bring myself to love him the way I used to or even at all most days. I like him, he is good friend and an ok father but I don’t love him. I want to, but I just can’t get past the hurt, and betrayal of what he did. I’ve tried cheating to get back at him but that didn’t help either.